drink smoke fight!!!

Rock and Roll Superstar

Kickin' it up to eleven!

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so, yeah...
drink smoke fight!!!
wow. it's been like four years since i used this thing fairly regularly. that's madness. but now that everyone has chased trends (myself included obviously) to the other end of the internet galaxy, it seemed like a good time to come back and use this thoroughly ignored corner of the e-world to utilize some kind of keyboard catharsis. i wanted to remove myself from everyone's friend list just to be sure, but i can't quite figure out how to do that. i don't even know if i could catch this thing up over the span of four years...a lot has happened. damn near all of it was cataloged on facebook, though, and apparently they're about to change their format so that it actually shows you on a timeline all of your glorious highs and terrible lows. i'm not so sure if i'm looking forward to that. annnnnyway...i came here to gripe, and gripe i shall.

my work...i've been working at this new beer hall called pitchers and pints for over a year now, and when i started we were all told, "if you stay with us, there's room for advancement." well, here i sit in the same exact place i was a year ago, except i'm doing much, MUCH more work. people have come in and automatically started off making more for doing less. i used to be able to ignore it and go tra-la-la on my merry way because i just said to myself, "well, it's still better than slackers." but now it's being shoved in my face and i'm getting close to a breaking point. i feel like the redheaded stepchild and i'm starting to think my boss doesn't appreciate what i do for her/them at all and is just generally aggravated with my existence. now, most recently, they wanted me to help out with booking bands, and i was totally psyched about it...in the beginning. but every time i move forward and get something done, i'm met with complete resistance and basically a giant version of an adult wagging their finger at a child and going, "no no no." they want to have their cake and eat it too and in this case that's just not possible. i've only been doing it for like two weeks and i'm already ready to throw my hands in the air and walk away. stick me back in the boiler room, start cracking the whip, and i'll just say "yessa massa" and smile again. i used to LOVE my job, i looked forward to going to work, but now i'll be in a great mood until it's time for work and my entire mode just takes a complete 180 to the point where when i walk through the door i'm already dying for it to be over. a couple of friends of mine have encouraged me to go work with them (to the point of leaving an application on my van while i was asleep) where i would be making a LOT more money than i am right now, and the temptation is growing with the day. i've got so many things i need to get done that i just can't afford, and going to this job would make that possible. my hesitation was because i loved the people at this bar and wanted it to succeed, but that feeling is fading fast now. the things i need to get done (get the van fixed, reorder my old cds, finance the new one) are the things that make me happiest in life (the van thing being linked to being able to play shows again) so it just makes sense to go with the highest financial opportunity, right? i don't know why i still have any trepidation about it to be honest. probably because i'm scared. that's usually how it goes.

the new record...i don't even know where to begin there. i get super motivated to work on it, then something comes in and kills that. it's been the same story ever since the last one came out. i wasted my time on so many other musical projects ever since then, and now i don't even know how to work on my own stuff anymore. either i've gotten lazier, which i really don't think is even possible, or i just need to be motivated again. i have gotten a decent chunk of it done, i just need to sit down and tell myself to do it, otherwise i'll just putter around the apartment all day until time for work, and we all know how that goes. it's not that i don't enjoy it...every time i sit down and play, that old warm euphoria comes over me in a big way all over again. i feel like playing a solo show again would do a lot to rejuvenate me, but that's kind of hard to do when my van will only go about seven miles without overheating. but anyway, the center of the shrubbery maze is just me making myself get it done. i am my own worst enemy after all.

relationships...hell no. i'm not even touching that one. there's too much to say, especially if i even attempted to cover the last three or four years. i do have to say this though...the last one ruined so many things, and one of the biggest ones keeps coming back to haunt me. i will never forgive myself for allowing her to mess up this particular event, and i don't know how to get over it. i wish i could just erase it from history, but that's not possible.

talking about that kind of leads me to my next thought...after the last big breakup, i kind of did a spring cleaning of my life, primarily who i associated myself with. there were a lot of people in my life who i knew had the potential to hurt me in a big way, so i kind of removed them from my life as a preventative measure. but it wasn't soon enough i guess, because they basically lived up to my expectations and immediately started talking the most slanderous, hurtful, untrue bullshit they could possibly come up with (ironically among each other, it really is a small world...). it just kind of validated the whole reason why i didn't want them in my life anymore though, and i feel good when i look back and see that i didn't post or say anything negative about them for all the free world to see and ponder. ah well. i have it all printed out with time stamps and there is such a thing as "defamation of character." i'd really be content with all of them just shutting the hell up and forgetting i exist completely though. the whole point of all of my actions was to try and liberate myself from negativity, and those people continuously told me my negativity was generated by me. i agree, a lot of it is generated by me, but my GOD were they negative, and why would i want people adding to mine? it just makes sense.

well, that pretty much hits all the hot button issues that have been in my head lately. i really just needed to write it all out i guess so it'd be in front of me for me to try and tackle somehow. let's see how that goes.


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