- November 6th, 2011
obviously i don't expect you to actually see this (although i imagine if you did, it would sink in about as well as the six page letter i wrote you before we broke up that you so quickly disregarded and NEVER paid attention to), it's more of a catharsis thing.
it's been a year since we started dating as of yesterday. normally by now i'd be "over" everything that happened with an ex, but your case is special. i use that word with caution, because "special" implies that there were good parts or that i miss you or something like that. however, in this case it means that you were the worst decision i've ever made. that's saying a lot, considering damn near every other ex cheated on me with a LOT of people. and honestly, i think i would have rather you did that than the shit you did pull. at least then i would've had something to deal with that i was used to.
i don't know how to ever forgive myself for allowing you to get away with the shit you pulled. my sister's wedding was almost the ONLY time my entire family was in one place, and some of those relatives (this is sad to say but i'm just being realistic) won't be around much longer. yet you were such a bitch you made us leave damn near immediately after "you may now kiss the bride" was said. nevermind the fact that the reception/afterparty was a new year's eve party. i swear on all that is holy, if i don't get to see those relatives again, i will find you and make sure that particular situation is resolved ten fold. you were UNCOMFORTABLE?! you think i wasn't uncomfortable having social anxiety in a giant room where the people i knew counted for about 5% of the people there? i'm fairly certain the only reason you were "uncomfortable" was because you didn't have a pint of vodka, a handful of pills, and a pipe full of that bullshit "spice" on hand. i don't know if i'll EVER be able to forgive myself for leaving that wedding. it affected my ENTIRE family, most of which i NEVER see. and my sister's wedding isn't even the only time you made me bail on an event, it's just the most glaring, inexcusable, and unforgivable. christmas party, st patrick's day party, any other time we were around any other people...you made us leave after, at most, an hour. hell you made me leave the super bowl party i was attending because it was SO important to you that everyone get together at your house, then you passed out thirty minutes after i got there. you were the most antisocial human being i've ever met, and that's saying a lot considering the fact that i (again, hate to keep bring it up, but...) have social anxiety. i've never used mine as an excuse to be a raging asshole. which brings me to my next point...
i have NEVER been with someone who had so much unchecked hostility and spiteful attitude. almost every word out of your mouth was just completely unprovoked bitterness. and it seems like the more comfortable you got with me, the more you felt ok with lashing out at me over NOTHING. i have never seen someone speak with their jaws clenched as often as you did. and the most stabbing irony of it all was, you got pissed off over THE DUMBEST SHIT KNOWN TO MAN. my favorite (blatant sarcasm there) was when you woke up naked next to me and accused me of having my friends fuck you because you got so shitfaced you didn't remember having sex with ME then going to bed (one of the rare times we had sex, but that's for the next paragraph). you threw such a tantrum that i actually punched a hole in my wall after you left. you also got pissed at me for getting a ride to work with a girl THAT I WORKED WITH, who also happened to be a longtime friend of mine that i had never had any kind of feelings for whatsoever. maybe if you hadn't have been such a raging bitch, i would've been more inclined to call YOU and ask for a ride. you threatened to break up with me then, and i wish i would've just let it happen. that would've at least saved me a couple of extra months of woe. the really sad part is, these are only the two most glaring examples of your ridiculous hostility that i care to recall. every day had a new bullshit hostility moment. that's not an exaggeration. EVERY GODDAMN DAY. you're lucky i'm so very passive. if you had been with someone who was a little more reactionary, i feel like you would've had the shit beaten out of you on a daily basis. and finally...
i think we had sex maybe, four, five times total while we were together? way to make someone feel totally undesirable and unwanted. your excuse after we broke up was that you were always too fucked up to have a sex drive. i'm sorry, but most people i've witnessed who get to drinking end up being MORE horny than usual. i never had to be paranoid about you fucking other people, because i knew you had no desire to fuck ANYONE. it seemed like your only concern 24/7 was getting drunk and smoking legal weed. oh yeah, i forgot, while you were getting drunk and smoking legal weed you'd sit in front of your computer ALL DAY playing world of warcraft or watching downloaded episodes of ncis and bones. i imagine you'll live with your mom forever. you had the audacity to say i had no motivation after we broke up. news flash, bitch. i have a JOB. the stuff i get, i pay for. mommy and daddy don't take care of me anymore. not to mention, on top of my job, i have a PASSION that i work on in any spare moment i can get (yeah, you remember that, don't you? like, when i had band practice that one time, and you threw yet another tantrum saying you didn't want to go because all band practices suck? dumbass. next time, if that's how you feel, don't tell someone you WANT TO GO.). my "hobby" (which i don't really view as just a hobby considering i've put out records, gone on tours, etc etc) doesn't include being amped about the fact that i've leveled my character on some MMORPG to its maximum point. mine includes getting out there and interacting with actual people in real life. you know, where i could poke them and actually feel a person there and whatnot.
and then there was the breakup. dear sweet jesus, if there was ever a moment in history to refer to when trying to illustrate just how mentally lacking humanity can be, your behavior during that time should be it. the night before we broke up, you decided to get shitfaced and post on facebook that i got a ride home from a blonde girl driving a teal malibu (which they don't even make by the way, fun fact), fucked said girl, got an std from said girl (those are some fast test results), all while you yourself were pregnant, but i wouldn't believe that because i think i'm sterile. and you tagged me in all of these posts so that they'd show up on my wall as well, which my family saw. thanks for that. and that was BEFORE we even broke up! all of this because i had changed cell phone providers and there was a lapse in me getting calls or text messages. god, when i activated that new phone, it literally spent an hour notifying me of all the bullshit i had missed. then you had to keep harassing me for TWO MONTHS after we broke up...i hear the reason you finally stopped is because you found a new guy to torture. i should either thank him or tell him to immediately run for the hills. but if it keeps you from contacting me, i will say nothing and quietly rejoice.
you are the worst human being on the face of the planet. the one resolution i can take from all of this is that i am now zen, because i could never hate anyone ever again. all of my hate, yes, every single ounce of it, is channeled toward you. i really hope that everything you put me, my friends, AND MY FAMILY through is revisited to you amplified by, oh, about a million. i don't think i will ever forgive myself for allowing you to get away with everything you did (yes, i'm being redundant, but i don't care). it wouldn't have been so bad if all the bullshit you pulled was just against me (i'm used to being abused), but no, you had to go and affect my family and friends as well. if i ever see you in public it will take every ounce of self restraint i have to not take action against you somehow. as i think of you now i can only pray you are lying face down in a gutter somewhere.