drink smoke fight!!!

Rock and Roll Superstar

Kickin' it up to eleven!

comfortable apathy
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
so, now i'm torn. i'm dating this girl that is absolutely amazing...she's loving, caring, giving, selfless, etc...but yet, i find myself seeing the same things i saw in my last relationship. the gifts she claims to love but end up tossed in the back seat of the car or on a shelf in the bedroom, getting stuff piled on top of it...the things i give her that mean something to me (my first band's cd, my merch, etc) that disappear almost immediately after i give them...all the while i'm immersing myself in her interests. right now my beer has a CDD koozie on it. my old acoustic has their sticker on it. i even skated with her at the last practice. -sigh- am i making too big of a deal out of this? i really don't think so. i mean, if you are going to TELL ME that you're interested in my shit, you should at least PRETEND that it's true. maybe slap the sticker and pin i gave you somewhere prominent. maybe make a comment about my old band's cd i gave you. it's not that tough. i should just be content with the fact that i'm with someone who isn't a raging bitch all the time and doesn't cheat on me (that i know of), but i guess it isn't enough. i would like the things said to me to be true. i don't believe that that's too much to ask.

to whom it most definitely concerns...
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
obviously i don't expect you to actually see this (although i imagine if you did, it would sink in about as well as the six page letter i wrote you before we broke up that you so quickly disregarded and NEVER paid attention to), it's more of a catharsis thing.

it's been a year since we started dating as of yesterday. normally by now i'd be "over" everything that happened with an ex, but your case is special. i use that word with caution, because "special" implies that there were good parts or that i miss you or something like that. however, in this case it means that you were the worst decision i've ever made. that's saying a lot, considering damn near every other ex cheated on me with a LOT of people. and honestly, i think i would have rather you did that than the shit you did pull. at least then i would've had something to deal with that i was used to.

i don't know how to ever forgive myself for allowing you to get away with the shit you pulled. my sister's wedding was almost the ONLY time my entire family was in one place, and some of those relatives (this is sad to say but i'm just being realistic) won't be around much longer. yet you were such a bitch you made us leave damn near immediately after "you may now kiss the bride" was said. nevermind the fact that the reception/afterparty was a new year's eve party. i swear on all that is holy, if i don't get to see those relatives again, i will find you and make sure that particular situation is resolved ten fold. you were UNCOMFORTABLE?! you think i wasn't uncomfortable having social anxiety in a giant room where the people i knew counted for about 5% of the people there? i'm fairly certain the only reason you were "uncomfortable" was because you didn't have a pint of vodka, a handful of pills, and a pipe full of that bullshit "spice" on hand. i don't know if i'll EVER be able to forgive myself for leaving that wedding. it affected my ENTIRE family, most of which i NEVER see. and my sister's wedding isn't even the only time you made me bail on an event, it's just the most glaring, inexcusable, and unforgivable. christmas party, st patrick's day party, any other time we were around any other people...you made us leave after, at most, an hour. hell you made me leave the super bowl party i was attending because it was SO important to you that everyone get together at your house, then you passed out thirty minutes after i got there. you were the most antisocial human being i've ever met, and that's saying a lot considering the fact that i (again, hate to keep bring it up, but...) have social anxiety. i've never used mine as an excuse to be a raging asshole. which brings me to my next point...

i have NEVER been with someone who had so much unchecked hostility and spiteful attitude. almost every word out of your mouth was just completely unprovoked bitterness. and it seems like the more comfortable you got with me, the more you felt ok with lashing out at me over NOTHING. i have never seen someone speak with their jaws clenched as often as you did. and the most stabbing irony of it all was, you got pissed off over THE DUMBEST SHIT KNOWN TO MAN. my favorite (blatant sarcasm there) was when you woke up naked next to me and accused me of having my friends fuck you because you got so shitfaced you didn't remember having sex with ME then going to bed (one of the rare times we had sex, but that's for the next paragraph). you threw such a tantrum that i actually punched a hole in my wall after you left. you also got pissed at me for getting a ride to work with a girl THAT I WORKED WITH, who also happened to be a longtime friend of mine that i had never had any kind of feelings for whatsoever. maybe if you hadn't have been such a raging bitch, i would've been more inclined to call YOU and ask for a ride. you threatened to break up with me then, and i wish i would've just let it happen. that would've at least saved me a couple of extra months of woe. the really sad part is, these are only the two most glaring examples of your ridiculous hostility that i care to recall. every day had a new bullshit hostility moment. that's not an exaggeration. EVERY GODDAMN DAY. you're lucky i'm so very passive. if you had been with someone who was a little more reactionary, i feel like you would've had the shit beaten out of you on a daily basis. and finally...

i think we had sex maybe, four, five times total while we were together? way to make someone feel totally undesirable and unwanted. your excuse after we broke up was that you were always too fucked up to have a sex drive. i'm sorry, but most people i've witnessed who get to drinking end up being MORE horny than usual. i never had to be paranoid about you fucking other people, because i knew you had no desire to fuck ANYONE. it seemed like your only concern 24/7 was getting drunk and smoking legal weed. oh yeah, i forgot, while you were getting drunk and smoking legal weed you'd sit in front of your computer ALL DAY playing world of warcraft or watching downloaded episodes of ncis and bones. i imagine you'll live with your mom forever. you had the audacity to say i had no motivation after we broke up. news flash, bitch. i have a JOB. the stuff i get, i pay for. mommy and daddy don't take care of me anymore. not to mention, on top of my job, i have a PASSION that i work on in any spare moment i can get (yeah, you remember that, don't you? like, when i had band practice that one time, and you threw yet another tantrum saying you didn't want to go because all band practices suck? dumbass. next time, if that's how you feel, don't tell someone you WANT TO GO.). my "hobby" (which i don't really view as just a hobby considering i've put out records, gone on tours, etc etc) doesn't include being amped about the fact that i've leveled my character on some MMORPG to its maximum point. mine includes getting out there and interacting with actual people in real life. you know, where i could poke them and actually feel a person there and whatnot.

and then there was the breakup. dear sweet jesus, if there was ever a moment in history to refer to when trying to illustrate just how mentally lacking humanity can be, your behavior during that time should be it. the night before we broke up, you decided to get shitfaced and post on facebook that i got a ride home from a blonde girl driving a teal malibu (which they don't even make by the way, fun fact), fucked said girl, got an std from said girl (those are some fast test results), all while you yourself were pregnant, but i wouldn't believe that because i think i'm sterile. and you tagged me in all of these posts so that they'd show up on my wall as well, which my family saw. thanks for that. and that was BEFORE we even broke up! all of this because i had changed cell phone providers and there was a lapse in me getting calls or text messages. god, when i activated that new phone, it literally spent an hour notifying me of all the bullshit i had missed. then you had to keep harassing me for TWO MONTHS after we broke up...i hear the reason you finally stopped is because you found a new guy to torture. i should either thank him or tell him to immediately run for the hills. but if it keeps you from contacting me, i will say nothing and quietly rejoice.

you are the worst human being on the face of the planet. the one resolution i can take from all of this is that i am now zen, because i could never hate anyone ever again. all of my hate, yes, every single ounce of it, is channeled toward you. i really hope that everything you put me, my friends, AND MY FAMILY through is revisited to you amplified by, oh, about a million. i don't think i will ever forgive myself for allowing you to get away with everything you did (yes, i'm being redundant, but i don't care). it wouldn't have been so bad if all the bullshit you pulled was just against me (i'm used to being abused), but no, you had to go and affect my family and friends as well. if i ever see you in public it will take every ounce of self restraint i have to not take action against you somehow. as i think of you now i can only pray you are lying face down in a gutter somewhere.

warm beer and cold women...
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
some days i end up face down on the glass floor i built for myself. other days i end up crashing right through it.

i hate being indecisive. it all goes back to being scared, like i said in my last post. i really wish i had more confidence just overall. i was talking to a guy i went to elementary school with tonight, and basically finally said aloud that the reason i never end up with the girls i actually want is because i don't have the confidence to genuinely pursue them. that's why i usually end up being just friends with them, or they end up interested in me but going for someone else because i'm sure i don't seem THAT interested when all it REALLY is is me being without confidence. le sigh. i'm actively trying to correct that. i'm tired of settling and ending up with failed relationships.

the confidence thing doesn't just apply to relationships though. i'm way too passive overall. i let people walk all over me in every aspect of my life. at least i finally took some headway in helping myself out after "THE breakup" by getting rid of the people in my life who try with every fiber of their being to bring me down even more. that actually helped a lot.

anyway, i'm not going to ramble this time. just had more thoughts to get out. time to have a beer or two and rest up for the show tomorrow. not playing, just have a lot riding on it being successful. i hope all of the pineville/alexandria area comes out. fingers crossed.

so, yeah...
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
wow. it's been like four years since i used this thing fairly regularly. that's madness. but now that everyone has chased trends (myself included obviously) to the other end of the internet galaxy, it seemed like a good time to come back and use this thoroughly ignored corner of the e-world to utilize some kind of keyboard catharsis. i wanted to remove myself from everyone's friend list just to be sure, but i can't quite figure out how to do that. i don't even know if i could catch this thing up over the span of four years...a lot has happened. damn near all of it was cataloged on facebook, though, and apparently they're about to change their format so that it actually shows you on a timeline all of your glorious highs and terrible lows. i'm not so sure if i'm looking forward to that. annnnnyway...i came here to gripe, and gripe i shall.

my work...i've been working at this new beer hall called pitchers and pints for over a year now, and when i started we were all told, "if you stay with us, there's room for advancement." well, here i sit in the same exact place i was a year ago, except i'm doing much, MUCH more work. people have come in and automatically started off making more for doing less. i used to be able to ignore it and go tra-la-la on my merry way because i just said to myself, "well, it's still better than slackers." but now it's being shoved in my face and i'm getting close to a breaking point. i feel like the redheaded stepchild and i'm starting to think my boss doesn't appreciate what i do for her/them at all and is just generally aggravated with my existence. now, most recently, they wanted me to help out with booking bands, and i was totally psyched about it...in the beginning. but every time i move forward and get something done, i'm met with complete resistance and basically a giant version of an adult wagging their finger at a child and going, "no no no." they want to have their cake and eat it too and in this case that's just not possible. i've only been doing it for like two weeks and i'm already ready to throw my hands in the air and walk away. stick me back in the boiler room, start cracking the whip, and i'll just say "yessa massa" and smile again. i used to LOVE my job, i looked forward to going to work, but now i'll be in a great mood until it's time for work and my entire mode just takes a complete 180 to the point where when i walk through the door i'm already dying for it to be over. a couple of friends of mine have encouraged me to go work with them (to the point of leaving an application on my van while i was asleep) where i would be making a LOT more money than i am right now, and the temptation is growing with the day. i've got so many things i need to get done that i just can't afford, and going to this job would make that possible. my hesitation was because i loved the people at this bar and wanted it to succeed, but that feeling is fading fast now. the things i need to get done (get the van fixed, reorder my old cds, finance the new one) are the things that make me happiest in life (the van thing being linked to being able to play shows again) so it just makes sense to go with the highest financial opportunity, right? i don't know why i still have any trepidation about it to be honest. probably because i'm scared. that's usually how it goes.

the new record...i don't even know where to begin there. i get super motivated to work on it, then something comes in and kills that. it's been the same story ever since the last one came out. i wasted my time on so many other musical projects ever since then, and now i don't even know how to work on my own stuff anymore. either i've gotten lazier, which i really don't think is even possible, or i just need to be motivated again. i have gotten a decent chunk of it done, i just need to sit down and tell myself to do it, otherwise i'll just putter around the apartment all day until time for work, and we all know how that goes. it's not that i don't enjoy it...every time i sit down and play, that old warm euphoria comes over me in a big way all over again. i feel like playing a solo show again would do a lot to rejuvenate me, but that's kind of hard to do when my van will only go about seven miles without overheating. but anyway, the center of the shrubbery maze is just me making myself get it done. i am my own worst enemy after all.

relationships...hell no. i'm not even touching that one. there's too much to say, especially if i even attempted to cover the last three or four years. i do have to say this though...the last one ruined so many things, and one of the biggest ones keeps coming back to haunt me. i will never forgive myself for allowing her to mess up this particular event, and i don't know how to get over it. i wish i could just erase it from history, but that's not possible.

talking about that kind of leads me to my next thought...after the last big breakup, i kind of did a spring cleaning of my life, primarily who i associated myself with. there were a lot of people in my life who i knew had the potential to hurt me in a big way, so i kind of removed them from my life as a preventative measure. but it wasn't soon enough i guess, because they basically lived up to my expectations and immediately started talking the most slanderous, hurtful, untrue bullshit they could possibly come up with (ironically among each other, it really is a small world...). it just kind of validated the whole reason why i didn't want them in my life anymore though, and i feel good when i look back and see that i didn't post or say anything negative about them for all the free world to see and ponder. ah well. i have it all printed out with time stamps and there is such a thing as "defamation of character." i'd really be content with all of them just shutting the hell up and forgetting i exist completely though. the whole point of all of my actions was to try and liberate myself from negativity, and those people continuously told me my negativity was generated by me. i agree, a lot of it is generated by me, but my GOD were they negative, and why would i want people adding to mine? it just makes sense.

well, that pretty much hits all the hot button issues that have been in my head lately. i really just needed to write it all out i guess so it'd be in front of me for me to try and tackle somehow. let's see how that goes.

clear!
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
it seemed like a crime to let this thing die seeing how i've had it since 2003, so i'm going to breathe life back into it. a more realistic update later.

question: why does my friends page have nothing on it? i'm sure people have posted something at some point in time.

ta-da
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth

so what, you can't go back on the friends page anymore?
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
that's lame.

anyway, i finally got the internet here at the apartment. woohoo. right now it's being a little off-on but most of the time it's pretty kickass. i wanted to check in on everyone but apparently you can't cycle backward on the friends page. aside from that it's just been the usual, work and hanging out at the apartment. we've had parties over here pretty frequently, usually afterparties once i get off work. i think i'm taking a day off today though. yep. that's it.

hey look i'm not dead
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
so yeah, a lot has gone down since the last entry. um, i live in an apartment now in pineville with this guy martin. been there since the beginning of november. he's a rad dude and i like living there. got a damn speeding ticket in december, paid for it, they didn't change my insurance. yay. still single, but oh well. got a show in lake charles on march 8th at 710 downtown. that should be rad since i've never played there before. i miss a lot of my friends because all i do lately is work and go home and lay in bed. i've been sick for about a week and a half but hopefully that will go away before i have the show. i have a car and a cell phone now (obviously i have a car, i think i already mentioned that, oh well) so people should call me. 419-7625. word. we don't have the internet at the apartment yet but we're about to add it so i'll post a longer more in-depth entry when i have more time. love you guys, adios for now.

changes
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
so i am now actively looking for a place to live. i pretty much HAVE to find something within the next couple of months. so if anyone knows of something, or is looking for a roommate, or wants to move out but can't afford it WITHOUT a roommate, let me know.

let's see...oh yes, my car is FINALLY back in action. it's not completely healed, but at least i can drive it around town until i get the last of the work done. huzzah.

single again. i have decided that age does not matter; they're going to be triflin' no matter how young or how old they are. time to just start looking for someone i can trust who's into the same shit i am. aka: mission impossible. har har.

new music is still being written. it's taking a long time. i'm not surprised though since i haven't really been motivated to do much of anything lately. i'm in a slump. bleah.

blah blah yadda yadda blah.
drink smoke fight!!!
typicalyouth
yep, still not much else to say. going in to get the second half of the outline done for my arm this thursday. still no car. still working on that too. anyone wanna buy a '91 toyota corolla that needs engine work for $500? it served me well...

the doctor changed my medicine. now i don't have to pay 120 bucks every time i need a refill. yay.

livejournal...i'm not very happy. but whaddya gonna do.

i wish i could play some shows.

?

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